Photography. Life. Support.

Simplicity. Life without color is just simple. And right now, I need simplicity.

It hurts. The emotions that have disappeared the past two weeks flooded back, hitting me like a brick wall. It hurts. I can lie to everyone and say I wouldn’t change anything. But here’s the thing, it hurts, and I would do anything to change that. I would do anything to fall asleep against you again… I would do anything to see your name on my phone again, to feel your smile through simple words on a text. I would do anything for you to want me again- but truly want me for ALL of me. I would do anything you drive around in your truck, watch movies, cuddle, hear your sexy voice, and laugh with you again.

It hurts when I dream about you every night, and then wake up to only find out it was a dream. It’s in that instant that I realize everything I thought was real crashes down yet again. It’s that hope that still lingers inside of me that continues to cause me pain…

It hurts that you used me. But it hurts more that I let you. I’ve never had chemistry with someone like you before, and after months of hanging out, our connection seemed real and honest. We crossed a line, a line I can never go back in time and change…and though I don’t regret it for an instant, it doesn’t change the fact that it still hurts.

This isn’t the type of hurt that goes away. It’s not acute, it doesn’t sting… Instead it’s lingering, always there beneath everything else I feel, hiding behind my own logic at times. I just want you again… us again…. and it hurts.

I used to plan out my life. I would try to imagine who I’d be in ten years. It was as if i created a scrapbook of my own life before it all happened. However, as I get older, the things I had imagined for my life, at the point I am at now, seem more and more foreign. But that’s what’s exciting about life. We can’t dictate what’s going to happen because life throws us curve balls, and life teaches us things about ourselves that we would never know if we were just following the path we planned for ourselves. So when I think about what I want to be 10 years from now, I’m not going to paint this picture in my head anymore; instead, I’m just going to think thatin 10 years I’m going to be a passenger in this crazy ride called life.Who knows where I will be, sometimes I wish I could just push fast forward and see who I’m going to become… but that’s the point of life- it’s unknown, uncharted, and ambiguous. So as today ends, I’ll turn the page and see where life takes me tomorrow- but who knows where it will take me.

shellyybeans asked: I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog. <3

thanks:)

You meet a lot of people in this world, and then there comes a time when you meet someone, and you can’t forget about them. That moment when you meet someone and everything clicks… everything seems put into place as if this person was brought to you for a reason.

I met him. I met him and it was perfect. A sleepless night. A perfect body to hold on to. A sense of humor that made me laugh. A guy who made me run around campus at 4am, feeling like I didn’t have a care in the world. A perfect kiss. A smile I can’t forget. A chemistry that was rare, strong, and enticing. I met him, and it was perfect.

But it’s the nights when everything seems perfect that something has to go wrong. A perfect night may be the best thing in the world, but that’s the problem, it’s a perfect night.And that’s all it will ever be. I thought I had met the perfect guy, he brought out a side of me unlike anything else in this world. Sleep wasn’t important anymore, I could survive on us alone.

But after our night ended, reality came into play. You’re 4 years older than me, you’re about to graduate, and you’re used to girls falling all over you. It’s ironic how we can have such a perfect night, but then it’s not the same after. When you told me you were picking me up a few days after, I was shaking because I was so nervous. I was about to see you again. But things went from feeling like a dream to feeling like I was an object at your dispense. I wouldn’t give you my body completely, and you pulled away. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to. But as much as everyone says “He doesn’t deserve you, he just wanted to use you,” it doesn’t erase everything I felt- or at least everything I dreamed to feel in the future.

As much as it hurts to be brushed aside in the corner because I didn’t give you my body, I still want you. I want that night again. I want to run through the streets with you at 4am again where you picked me up and kissed me like a scene out of a movie. I want your arms around me, holding me until we fell asleep at noon the next day. I want our night back, because I can’t let go. It was perfect, you were perfect. But now I don’t have you… life interrupted.

Maybe you were brought to me for a reason, but all I know is that I can’t stop thinking about you, even if I’m only hurting myself more. I didn’t give you my body, but I gave you a memory, and I gave you a night that’s impossible to forget

It’s been ages since I’ve had this feeling. A new home. A new place. New people. I was bored with things being meaningless. I wanted to have butterflies. I wanted that feeling when my stomach drops because I hear your name. I wanted that intense eye contact where you lock eyes and chemistry pulsates throughout the room. I wanted that moment when you kiss someone, and it triggers all your emotions.

No I have it. I have a crush.

And it’s the best feeling in the world. Something has meaning now. I’m not using him. He’s my crush. I feel like I am in the third grade again. I get nervous when I see him, my palms sweat, my heart beats three times the speed. But, it’s the best feeling in the world because it reminds me of my favorite memories. Right now, guys have meaning, and I don’t feel as lost.

What kind of guy are you underneath it all?

Who are you really?

Are you the guy I build on a pedestal in my own mind? Or are you what everyone describes: a blinking caution sign warning me to turn around?

I cannot help but fall for the surface. You are so enticing, mysterious, yet frustratingly ambiguous. You reel me in with the chase, the unraveling, the performance.. It’s as if I’m walking on a tight rope at a steady pace, getting closer and closer to knowing the bare you, but then my mind causes me to lose my balance, struggling to stay upright. My mind is at constant battle trying to reason whether the your facade is the real you? The you I hope for. Yet, I can’t hush the small voice in the back of my head reminding me of all the frivolous input I hear from others. Is it my own worst enemy, or a saving grace?

The thing is, I’m infatuated- by your smile, your personality, our chemistry, your kiss. I’m infatuated, but I’m wobbling to hold my balance. I’m scared. If I strip you down and see you for who you explicitly are, will I feel fear or will I gravitate towards you more. Underneath my flirtatious grin and soft laugh, I’m scared as hell. I could really, really like you- but I want to make sure my infatuation is not skin deep. I need to prove you are more than a ten page play with no substance. I need to uncover who you are, and I might fall off while trying to decode your puzzle, but maybe it will worth it. Maybe you are worth it underneath it all…

Distance.

Miles. Kilometers. Feet. Inches. Centimeters.

Why should a number have enough power to dictate the strength and durability of a friendship or a relationship. The beauty in the connection between two people is its elasticity and its ability to twist and bend in order to survive. If friendships and relationships can endure problems that the world throws upon them; why should distance- solely a just simple number- become and inescapable and overwhelming obstacle.

It’s as if society has painted this picture in our minds that distance taints everything. It’s as if we believe that the greater the distance between two people, the greater chance they will dissolve from our minds. If that’s what the world has taught us, then why does it seem to be the opposite for us. Why is it that now that you can’t have me, you want me. When I was only a few minutes away from you, it’s as if i became invisible, but now that I’m out of your grasp, all you want is to reel me back in. 

Miles. Kilometers. Feet. Inches. Centimeters

The distance between us was supposed to separate everything that we felt for each other. But it’s impossible to leave my emotions in one location and relocate them somewhere else… The fact is, distance forced us to take everything we felt towards each other and pour it into our new lives- flooding our minds with memories, emotions, and questions. The supposed beauty of a relationship or a friendship is its power of elasticity, but in our case, our relationship neither bent or molded to fit our new lives; instead, it’s as if our distance is a screaming reminder of how far you are from me, and how close I wish you were.

Maybe distance is a just a number; that’s what I always believed… However, recently I’ve learned that distance is a reminder… for every mile, it’s a memory I want back. For every kilometer, it’s a moment I wish we could recreate. For every foot, I think about you. I loved you… and no matter how hard I try, distance can’t erase how I felt about you.

How do I even begin this? Am I supposed to say thank you? Or am I supposed to say screw you? What am I supposed to even think. You’ve clouded my mind with hundreds of lines, compliments, and a fake reality. You opened me up again; however, it was as if I was a  present you had already found in the closet. With each compliment, smile, and gaze, you unraveled my heart- fold by fold, getting closer to what was inside. However, once you held me in your hands, you remembered that I was expected- no longer a surprise.

It’s as if you pretended to care for me all along. I was no longer a present to you;I was an object.I told myself to stay cautious and to avoid falling into your trap again. I told myself to stay secure within and to evade my fear of becoming emotionally attached. However, with every word exchanged, the times we saw each other, and each heartbeat while my lips touched yours, I found myself falling into an inescapable dead end with only one outlet: heart break.

My mind would tell me one thing, replaying over and over again in the background like a broken record. It continued to scratch, “Don’t listen to it, don’t believe it, don’t walk into the storm…” But it was as if I couldn’t hold myself back from jumping into the ocean in the middle of a hurricane fast enough. The way you bit my lip, the way you kissed my neck, the way you looked at me… How your touch felt against my skin, how your warm body felt pressed against me, how your lips quivered when I kissed your chest, how your hand clutched mine so alluringly…. It all obstructed my mind and silenced the warning sirens in my head. Sometimes I wish I could go back and take it all back, but in actuality I’m glad everything I shared with you happened.

I learned more about myself through you. I learned to form a friendship first, before an attraction. I learned that when a guy has the perfect things to say, he probably has another agenda. I learned to hold myself back. Because of you, I have learned that I am more valuable than just an object, and I will eventually find a man who embraces me for all that I am- the perfect present.

A kiss can tell a story. It can weave meaning in between jumbled thoughts. Your kiss the other night told a story. It said “I care about you” because it was delicate and sweet. It said “I’m sorry” because I could sense your relief. It said “I want you back” because you pulled me in. It said “I’m lonely” because you refused to let me leave. Your kiss told me a story, it told me a summary about how you still feel, and it gave me a sneak peak of the chapters to come.

I’m waiting. I’m letting time pass by, trying to figure out what all this means. Maybe I’m waiting for an answer, or maybe I’m waiting for a question; however, I’m finding myself lost in my own thoughts, my own mind, trying to understand where to go from here. It’s as if I’m on a train with no exit, no direction, no conductor. I’m stuck… justwaiting.You kissed me, what does it mean? You still care about me, but what does that mean for us? I still want you, but how do I let you know? I just want something to let me know what direction our train is headed; I just want something to throw me out of this continuous loop and wake me up from waiting because time is bending longer and longer, and as each second passes I am becoming more anxious… waiting, waiting, waiting, for just a sign. I’m waiting for you.

It’s ironic how behind a closed door, everything can be so open. Everything you gave me, everything you showed me, everything you taught me, I stored it away. I stored you away behind layers and layers of thoughts so I wouldn’t have to confront you in my mind. However, once we took a step inside and closed the door, everything was unpacked: all my memories, my fears, my anger, my infatuation… it all came flooding back. The way you opened up to me, it all made sense. As we stood behind a closed door, we were no longer trapped or confined; instead, we were freed..freed by answers.I can now understand why; I can understand how I felt; I can now grasp what happened.

It’s funny how behind a closed door, your smile let me in, your kiss showed me what I  feel, and your heart was opened. I miss you, but now I know this isn’t the end. The door may have been closed, but our future was opened.

You can label me… But you sure as hell can’t define the person I am…

I didn’t expect this. I thought I had locked the door. I didn’t want to let myself go through the pain of a relationship again. So I closed to door to love, bolted it up, and hid the key…

But then I met you….

You surprised me. I didn’t expect you. I didn’t expect us. You unlocked my door to potential love. I’m not afraid to feel anymore. Around you I am so comfortable, secure, and happy. The way you hold me in your arms…I forget everything that surrounds us. It’s as if the world only consists of you and me- every problem in the world disappears. I could lie next to you and feel your heart beat forever.

I never thought I could fall in love with a song as much as I have. “Silver Coins”  by Angus and Julia Stone.

“All the love has gone away
Cos I didn’t have the heart or strength to say
I’ll miss you when you’re gone”