Photography. Life. Support.

You can label me… But you sure as hell can’t define the person I am…

I didn’t expect this. I thought I had locked the door. I didn’t want to let myself go through the pain of a relationship again. So I closed to door to love, bolted it up, and hid the key…

But then I met you….

You surprised me. I didn’t expect you. I didn’t expect us. You unlocked my door to potential love. I’m not afraid to feel anymore. Around you I am so comfortable, secure, and happy. The way you hold me in your arms…I forget everything that surrounds us. It’s as if the world only consists of you and me- every problem in the world disappears. I could lie next to you and feel your heart beat forever.

I never thought I could fall in love with a song as much as I have. “Silver Coins”  by Angus and Julia Stone.

“All the love has gone away
Cos I didn’t have the heart or strength to say
I’ll miss you when you’re gone”

Everyone else believes your facade. You put up a front in order to distract yourself from your real emotions. Everyone believes you, except for me. You let me in, and then you pull back over and over again since you are afraid to be vulnerable…. You told me that you miss me, every single day. You told me that you regret how our relationship ended. You confided in me all the feelings you had bottled up, which were waiting to burst. You admitted how your distance, towards the end of our relationship, was affected by fear- you were falling for me, and being vulnerable scared you to death. I’ll never forget the things you told me that night, whether it was closure or it opened a door. I realized how much we still care for each other, I realized how I’m never going to forget how amazing you make me feel, and I realized that I don’t want to completely let you go. When you opened up to me and told me about how you were afraid of being vulnerable, I wanted you back. I wanted us back. I wanted you to be mine again; however, I realized that you will never fully open yourself to me, even though I was/am there for you.

When you pretend everything is okay, I know it’s not. I know you feel, but you cover it up. I know the real you, and maybe it’s time for you to face the real you.

I used to look ahead days in my life, and I would think about how I could ever possibly get by without having him to fall back on. If it hurts this badly today, tomorrow can only bring along more tears and even more heartbreak. However, while I was supposed to be trying to let go, I seemed to be holding on for dear life. Finally, instead of trying, I just let time complete the work. I was never intentionally trying to get over him, but I wasn’t holding on to memories anymore. I wasn’t living in the past. I didn’t feel empty when I woke up in the mornings now. I didn’t feel as lonely without him…

I can honestly say that I am over him. As taboo as that may seem, I am proud to say that I’m strong again. I haven’t moved on, but he’s not trapped in my mind anymore. I can look back at our time together and smile versus feeling regret or pain. Sure, I miss him at times, but I am no longer holding on to the “what ifs.” He’s gone. I’ve faced reality. What I can’t deny, however, is how a piece of his heart will always be here with me- he can never take that back.

I wrote you a letter… I don’t know if I should give it to you though. My heart wants to, but my mind doubts. I learned so much about myself while dating you. I realized it’s not my place to try and change someone. I learned to love someone for who they are, the good and the bad. From the time you broke down and cried in front of me, to the sincere, delicate way you would kiss me goodnight, I learned that everyone has a heart; some are just harder to break open. You deserve to know how much I loved sharing my heart with you. You deserve to know how much you inspired me and helped me to find my own identity. You deserve to read the thoughts that float through my mind on paper. You deserve to know that the things I felt for you- they were real and honest, and once it’s on paper… it’s true for eternity.

Eventually the tears stopped. You started to disappear from my dreams. I started to smile again. I didn’t feel as lost without you. But then, something always reminds me of you, and I find myself living in the past instead of the present. Then, I have to start all over. Now, I can almost say the heartbreak is over, but as my broken heart begins to heal, the margin of how much I miss our friendship grows greater. But, I can only take things day to day. And today, I may still be lost, but I’m closely following a map, leading me back to the person I plan to be again.

Dating you, I learned so much about myself; I learned so much about what it means to give yourself to someone- specifically emotionally. You opened my eyes to the world of love out there waiting for me. I was never in love with you, but I sure loved you. I know you told me that you don’t believe in love, but I do. I will always have a place in my heart that loves you.

I just wanted to thank you for everything we had, everything you showed me, and everything you taught me indirectly. I hope that I’ve shown you that you can have a real relationship based on a strong, emotional foundation. I pray that one day you can find love… the same kind of love I’m searching for. I hope, one day, after the fun and games are through and the physical relationships have run their course, you can find true love in this world with someone who will take the time and effort to truly get to know you like I did.

I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget the time we shared together. I’ll never forget my first real boyfriend. I’ll never forget the person I became because of you.

Sometimes I wonder if he even thinks about me… Do things remind him of me? When he hears certain songs on the radio, does he think back to the memories we shared? When he drives by a place, does he think of the hours we spent there- laughing, smiling, embracing? When he drives by my street, does he think of the nights we stayed up talking about everything? When he goes to the dock, does he remember the stories we told about our pasts?

Maybe he does… but this is where guys are different: Girls try to sort through our emotions, find the answers, solve the puzzle. We want to know why. So we spend every waking second rummaging through our minds, thinking about our past, trying to figure out what went wrong. We try to filter our emotions, feeling pain, happiness, and regret along the way. Thus, it’s like the guys from our past are stuck echoing throughout our minds without an escape. Guys, on the other hand,  they don’t want the pain of a breakup. They try to mask it- distracting their minds with friends, sports, school, and girls who don’t mean anything. They try to forget about us, and they try to mask their feelings. But at some point, their distractions fade; we will pop into their minds for a split second, and they will realize they miss us. Thus, I get the phone call and hang up. You may get the “I miss you text” with no response.

They will come back to us. It may be a few months, or it may be a year. But they always come back. Their distractions will fade completely, and they won’t be able to hide behind their forced reality. Instead, all they will feel in the pit of their stomach is I miss her.

One day, he will drive by the bridge we fell asleep under or the place we had our first kiss, and he will remember the time he told me that I was the most important person in his life. And he will not be able to deny how great we were together. Until then, I will keep healing, and he will keep acting behind the shadow of his fake identity.

You let it out.. Whether it’s something you’ve openly talked about or something you’ve hidden beneath life’s debris. You let me in… I understand. That’s as clearly as I can put it. It all makes sense now. You can trust me. I care about you more than you can imagine- your past and your present. I was brought to you for a reason; let’s be each other’s saving grace. <3

I have to vent. It’s like you are taking over my mind… I can’t think straight; your name replays over and over in my head as if it’s a song on repeat; stories about you come out like word vomit, I can’t control it… It’s like you have complete control over me. I just don’t understand why this consumes me so much. It’s still a game to you: when we are together, it’s perfect… but when you leave it’s as if we start over with a clean slate. I know guys are different, and girls can easily drift into the back of their minds, but I don’t want to be in the back of your mind. You tell me you like me, you say I’m the only girl you’ve cared about to settle down with, so why do you tantalize me? It’s not a game anymore, I’m not playing hard to get- you have me…. So please…please… don’t lose me. 

We have to learn to live *in* this world, and not *of* this world. Friendship makes it easier to remember who you are and what really matters. 

It seems like an eternity waiting for you to respond…

I told myself this time would be different…. Now I’m finding myself in a familiar place. Funny how history has the ability to repeat itself. So why do I still have hope? Why do I continue to let you have me? Why can’t I say no? It’s a cycle I can’t escape…

Top of the World- Cataracs ft. Dev

I seriously cannot stop listening to this song!